Ladies and Gentlemen…..

5 01 2010

The amazing …….

Tielman Brothers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just a little post x-mas/happy x-year present for all you rockin’  knuckleheads out there.
C’mon down to the shop this week and get a free Guitar Safari T-Shirt and join the G.S. Bocce Team for the grand opening of the new 22nd Street Park on, you guessed it…22nd Street! That’s this Saturday, January 9th, Twenty Ten. BYOJ. Two unscathed and pristine Bocce Courts and contrary to legend, A FREE LUNCH for your enjoyment. Who ever said that There’s No Such Thing As A Free Lunch? It’s on the sign just outside the park! Check it out. This is serious! I’m calling out all the other music shops in town to take on the Fire Breathing Guitar Safari “Botched Executions” Team. End of story!

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Merry X-Mas & A Happy X-Year

25 12 2009

Good morning! Yup, it’s that day again. Wake up and fill your sack full of eggnog and sausage. Rip some paper from a box or two and throw it in the trash but make sure it makes it to the recycling bin! It’s such a nice sunny day here. I really hope we won’t have a terrorist attack today…that would be kinda lame. I’m on full-tilt X-Mas Red & Green Alert! My sweet Gal just wandered out of the bedroom and sang me a Psychobilly song that she whipped up in her half asleep state. “I Don’t Want To Drink Alone”. She actually sang some of it to me right off the cuff. It’s like wakin’ up with Reverend Horton Heat on this, the most important Ancient Pagan Holiday that was hijacked by you other folks…you know who you are. What’s all this nonsense in the Bible about it being a sin to place an icon like a tree in your home at this or any time of the year? What Hooey! I dare you, read it and weep. I don’t care either way. Ahem, Amen and Amon Duul II!  Google my ass up!…Now I’d like to take this opportunity to reach out to all of the sad Republicans and offer them my condolences for this wacky Heath Care Reform dealio. I think it’s pretty damn cool that Health Insurance companies can legally operate in collusion (it’s on the books Baby!) when any other type of business would be sued so fast it would make your head swim. Then you’d really need a Doctor! It’s like Disney getting a special extended copyright license protecting their crap from becoming Public Domain and guess what? No one else gets that Government Sanctioned lolly-pop! I know, I know, it’s lame that Democrats came up with stupid stuff like Medicare and Social Security. Who would ever want or need anything like that? Not me. No way! I’m planning on being very healthy and super rich until forever comes a-knockin’…and that ain’t never gonna happen! I want the Government out of my life once and for all! Don’t fix the roads, no schools, pollution, LAWS?!??!?!!! Are you kidding me? I’m so fed up I could tea-bag myself…but,  Hey! Look what I found under the tinsel tannenbaum this morning!

Two of those…whatchamacallits

That’s right, Satan Claus brought me a high quality photograph of some nice old Gretsch Guitars! Happy Holidays to everyone who came to my humble shop for their gift buying needs.
My X-Year’s Resolution? Keep making fun of, and providing better service than those GuitWhore Center and Sam’s Ass wannabes across town…although, through the kindness of my heart, I sent some of my customers over there who were looking for Cardboard Pink Guitars with Unicorns painted on them.
See ya’ll next year!!!!

Love,
El Jefe





Guitar Safari Perennial X-mas Croquet Bash 2009

21 12 2009

Jesus Christ!  Point Fermin Park was bursting with holiday merriment today in a veritable celebration of inebriation for the virgin birth we’ve all been waiting for since 0000 B.C.  That’s right,  the core crew from the G.S. got our groovin’  Booty Call Butts out on the lawn and jumped into a gnarly  game of Poison.  Please be aware, this is a far more vicious version of pedestrian Croquet, maybe not for all you thumb-suckers out there.  In rare attendance were the usual suspects…I know that doesn’t make any sense but I like the sound of it….The ridiculous Laskey Brute Brothers: Adam & Chris, Danny “The Dandy”, Max “Worldwide” Webb, DJ G-Spot, “Tall” Nick, Jenny “Punkin’ Butter” D. and yours truly.  Not one of the aforementioned had ever held a mallet in their girly little  mitts, yet after much tutelage from their coach (me) regarding the finer points of the game, all of which were immediately discarded, the wicked battle ensued.  Three bottles of wine and several fried chickens later, Max had achieved the dubious and soon to be revealed, appropriate distinction of “POISON”…which means that if he touches anyone’s balls with his own, they’re dead, out of the game…but I’ve only got to hope that you would have known that already.  Sadly but not so shocking, the first to go down to Max’s tireless wrath was DJ G-Spot.  Not living up to his name nor his game due to an extended previous all-night frivolity and morning Pub Crawl, it was more a case of euthanasia on Max’s part, to single him out and send him to the loser’s drinking blanket early.  An almost  sad yet apropos development indeed. Soon and quite remarkably,  “Dandy” makes it past Max’s horrifying minefield of imminent death back to the safety of the home wicket, claiming victory as the winner of the match.   Everyone else falls prey in a merciless succession of Max’s spherical ricochets of expulsion  save for our hero, Adam with the aid of Super Coach and newly appointed Good Witch Of The West, aka Punkin’ Butter, who managed to steer him to whack his ball through a series of imaginary flaming hoops of actual  fiery flaming fire that threatened him at every turn while being chased by Mad Max.  Adam finished the contest in a not so unusual for him,  “sloppy seconds”-style second place.  It was incredible!  The  guy’s as hapless as a blind salamander who’s volunteered to take a ride on a rotating Barbeque  Spit.  He can read and write but in his own words knows “nothing about math or physics”.  You know, like holding a wooden mallet and projecting a theoretical straight line so as to send a croquet ball in a rolling trajectory that doesn’t resemble a dog’s fucking hind leg.  So, once again, a synopsis of the finish line…First Place (with honors) Danny. Hell yeah! Now where’s my drum-head?   In a “Special Mention” Special Olympics kind of way Second Place, the guy that I lost money on by betting against him not lasting more than thirty seconds without crying about the injustice of the game, Adam. You Kill Bro!   Lastly, “Worldwide” with a pretty tight performance as POISON in Third Place. You ain’t so bad neither! Good Job to all who dared!  It was an amazing and inspired tournament throughout the afternoon.  We rounded out the day by eating cookies and sipping what dribbled from the empty wine bottles and talking hilarious shit about lost “loves” and maligned interpersonal relationships manifested in endless wild gesticulation, followed up by falling over dead in the grass as evidenced by the portrait of Chris, (scroll back up) sleeping with drink and smoldering cigarette in hand, dreaming away in everyone’s  familiar,  favourite, frustrating and pointless  “Where did I go wrong?” mode.  Sorry about the lack of pictures of the actual Croquet Game but believe me, we’re all very happy to still be alive. See y’all next year!

The last photo is of six foot six newcomer and non-litterbug “Tall” Nick sporting his totally radical nimbus.

MERRY NIMBUS DAWG!!!!!!





Record Breaking Records

10 12 2009

It’s almost Christmas and if you need an unexpected gift for an unsuspecting family member or friend, think about buying them a hunk of vinyl that they probably got rid of years ago.  It’s like a spinning time machine. I’ve got every manner of music for sale here at the shop at unbelievable prices. Just check across the street at the Antique Mall and you’ll be amazed at my prices…I even have Beatles RED & BLUE Vinyl, cheap…while they last!
Or if you need some cash for something useful like say, food, clothing or rent, come on down and sell me your old unloved records. They need to be in pretty good shape and of supreme intrinsic value to random passersby.
Otherwise you can just have yourself a “Beatles are more popular than Jesus” record stomp and a Salem Witch Trials-style burning at the stake in the alley behind your hovel involving your scratched up and worthless Rush, Sting and Fleetwood Mac junk.  I pay good hard earned cash for your records if you want to sell them.  Bring me your JAZZ, HIP HOP, PUNK and CLASSIC ROCK! Call me before you rent that dump truck and I’ll make room. Happy Holidays to one and all!

Your Typical Mom's House





Press your “MySpace-FaceBook” close to mine Love!

30 11 2009

…Freak out in a Moonage Daydream Oh Yeah!  As if I don’t have enough to worry about.  I guess I just don’t get it.  I don’t know or really want to know who’s thinking about a  purple marshmallow 13 minutes ago.   All of this one sentence Cyber-Farting is getting me down.  I reluctantly joined MySpace just so I could connect with local musicans and it’s been pretty handy but there’s so much garbage being pumped into it now with advertising and the new “look at my banal observation”-style  messaging that it’s become hard to even think about logging on…then, now everyone else  has abandoned  last week’s  “latest craze” and is on the Facebook deal and basically saying nothing to each other all day long.  C’mon folks!  People constantly tell me that I need a Facebook page.  Why?  Here’s what I say…if you really have something to say, get yourself a Blog from WordPress like I use, or my good friend Alan who does a music commentary about all kinds of cool stuff and bands you might have never heard of.   You’ll find a link to it on my site.  It’s called…nowthat’swhaticallbullshit.  Then there’s the Cell Phone thing.  Remember when we had Pay Phones? You wouldn’t spend all day yacking about idiotic nonsense just to hear yourself speak…would you?  “Where you at Dog? ” “Who me?  I’m chowing a Big Mac in my Suburban right now and throwing the wrapper out the window.  Gotta  get me a Big Gulp to wash this shit down.  Where you at now Dog?”  The phone bill for talking to someone during the day on a pay phone away from your home phone was about 25 cents.  Or if you had a copy of “Steal This Book” by Abbie Hoffman, it was free!  All you needed was a paper-clip to rub against the pay phone coin box and the reciever, you could call anyone for free.  My apologies to Ma Bell.  I did it all the time.  Sorry to hear that the phone company is  nearly destitute due to my antics.  Why do we  ‘mericans love being railroaded?  Consumerism as a lifestyle is being shoved down our throats by corporate swine who have just stolen this  country, not to mention the financial state  of  almost the entire world.   Remember the recession?  Get out there and buy something or service you don’t need!  This is officially the end of this rant for the time being.  Now for something completely different…before the advent of the Internet, Cell Phones, (sit on my) Facebook,  and the “Deer in the headlights”-type kids who are forever transfixed to brainless, numbing video games… There was Glam!
Ladies & Gentlemen, Mick Ronson in better days.

Sorry, but now I gotta go sign up for Facebook. I can’t wait to tell everyone what kind of mundane  and clever thing I’m thinking about right this very second.  Or did I just do that already?





WIGGERS!

22 11 2009

Hey Now!  I’m sorry to report that Guitar Safari’s exclusive promotion “A Free Wig With Every Purchase” has finally come to an end.  This longstanding and well loved bonus will be sadly missed by all the hundreds and thousands of worthy patrons who proudly don these fine quality coifs. I thought about promising “Free sticks and strings while they last” like my competition but just about anyone could go out any day of the week and find a stick and a piece of string…what a way to dupe the unsuspecting Pink Tutu wearing girls and Shirtless Heavy Metal Leather Pants Wearing dudes of this town that put their backs to the wind, and the camera lens, then march off hand in hand into the smoke from the smoke machine.  Now why didn’t I think of that ad campaign?  I’ll give you one guess.  No.  Wrong.  It’s just base and sexist.  I have plenty of girls coming in to my shop who play kick-ass guitar, bass or drums and don’t adhere to the insulting and sterotypical.  Well alright, now then… the photo here features two of the smartest and wildest local talents…straight from BLACK SPARROW PRESS!…Danny and Adam!  These guys rock and if you listen closely you will hear them playing at Harold’s Place on December 3rd, 2009 on the bill with legendary SST Records Producer and Genius, SPOT…or at an House Party near you very soon.  Nice wigs guys!  Where’d you score those sweet mops?





Welcome to October! 2009…who would have believed it?

2 10 2009

Okay…Thanks to all who came out and had a blast at the Gears show.  It was really amazing and guess what?  They said they want to do it again!  Hooray for San Pedro! This month I’m blowin’ out the stock I have of AXL Badwater guitars. These babies have EMG Pickups and a very cool array of finish options.  Once they’re gone that’s it! Only $129.00!!! And I’ll throw in free Fender Chord Book…there’s enough chords in this book to keep you busy for a hunded years!!!  This month’s Pin-Up is the young and Rockin’ Guitar Safari Super Spokesmodel, Arielle in younger days.  She’s probably about 15 years old when this shot was taken and playin’ the heck out of a 1936 National Duolian…what could be better than that?
duolianArielle

As always, I do repairs ($30.00 per hr.) and set-ups ($45.00 per w/strings…that’s half the price of the other Local Yokels!) on all kinds of guitars and tube amp repair…get rid of that solid state, made to break, diposable junk and buy a real amp before there aren’t any left!  Line 6 my ass!  Why buy an amp that is trying so hard to sound like a real live tube powered amp?  Guitar Center is like the Bush Administration selling you down the river with that crap.  When it takes a dump…just throw it away!  Because it costs more to fix it than to buy a new one.  That’s just great!  …and another thing, I have a friend named Cliff Wagner.  He has a band called Old Number 7 and all you good folks need to get out of your little box and check this guy out.   He’s got several records/Cds out and is a powerhouse when live.   Good Time Bluegrass with a twist. He just finished making a SLASHER MOVIE SOUNDTRACK fer chrissakes!  More on that to follow as details arrive to the Guitar Safari News Center.  What else?  Happy Birthday to Mahatma Gandhi!!!! Born October 2nd (Assassinated on January 30th, 1948)  We really miss you!   Oh yeah, make sure you take a bath after reading this because your hair kind of stinks.