Merry X-Mas & A Happy X-Year

25 12 2009

Good morning! Yup, it’s that day again. Wake up and fill your sack full of eggnog and sausage. Rip some paper from a box or two and throw it in the trash but make sure it makes it to the recycling bin! It’s such a nice sunny day here. I really hope we won’t have a terrorist attack today…that would be kinda lame. I’m on full-tilt X-Mas Red & Green Alert! My sweet Gal just wandered out of the bedroom and sang me a Psychobilly song that she whipped up in her half asleep state. “I Don’t Want To Drink Alone”. She actually sang some of it to me right off the cuff. It’s like wakin’ up with Reverend Horton Heat on this, the most important Ancient Pagan Holiday that was hijacked by you other folks…you know who you are. What’s all this nonsense in the Bible about it being a sin to place an icon like a tree in your home at this or any time of the year? What Hooey! I dare you, read it and weep. I don’t care either way. Ahem, Amen and Amon Duul II!  Google my ass up!…Now I’d like to take this opportunity to reach out to all of the sad Republicans and offer them my condolences for this wacky Heath Care Reform dealio. I think it’s pretty damn cool that Health Insurance companies can legally operate in collusion (it’s on the books Baby!) when any other type of business would be sued so fast it would make your head swim. Then you’d really need a Doctor! It’s like Disney getting a special extended copyright license protecting their crap from becoming Public Domain and guess what? No one else gets that Government Sanctioned lolly-pop! I know, I know, it’s lame that Democrats came up with stupid stuff like Medicare and Social Security. Who would ever want or need anything like that? Not me. No way! I’m planning on being very healthy and super rich until forever comes a-knockin’…and that ain’t never gonna happen! I want the Government out of my life once and for all! Don’t fix the roads, no schools, pollution, LAWS?!??!?!!! Are you kidding me? I’m so fed up I could tea-bag myself…but,  Hey! Look what I found under the tinsel tannenbaum this morning!

Two of those…whatchamacallits

That’s right, Satan Claus brought me a high quality photograph of some nice old Gretsch Guitars! Happy Holidays to everyone who came to my humble shop for their gift buying needs.
My X-Year’s Resolution? Keep making fun of, and providing better service than those GuitWhore Center and Sam’s Ass wannabes across town…although, through the kindness of my heart, I sent some of my customers over there who were looking for Cardboard Pink Guitars with Unicorns painted on them.
See ya’ll next year!!!!

Love,
El Jefe





Guitar Safari Perennial X-mas Croquet Bash 2009

21 12 2009

Jesus Christ!  Point Fermin Park was bursting with holiday merriment today in a veritable celebration of inebriation for the virgin birth we’ve all been waiting for since 0000 B.C.  That’s right,  the core crew from the G.S. got our groovin’  Booty Call Butts out on the lawn and jumped into a gnarly  game of Poison.  Please be aware, this is a far more vicious version of pedestrian Croquet, maybe not for all you thumb-suckers out there.  In rare attendance were the usual suspects…I know that doesn’t make any sense but I like the sound of it….The ridiculous Laskey Brute Brothers: Adam & Chris, Danny “The Dandy”, Max “Worldwide” Webb, DJ G-Spot, “Tall” Nick, Jenny “Punkin’ Butter” D. and yours truly.  Not one of the aforementioned had ever held a mallet in their girly little  mitts, yet after much tutelage from their coach (me) regarding the finer points of the game, all of which were immediately discarded, the wicked battle ensued.  Three bottles of wine and several fried chickens later, Max had achieved the dubious and soon to be revealed, appropriate distinction of “POISON”…which means that if he touches anyone’s balls with his own, they’re dead, out of the game…but I’ve only got to hope that you would have known that already.  Sadly but not so shocking, the first to go down to Max’s tireless wrath was DJ G-Spot.  Not living up to his name nor his game due to an extended previous all-night frivolity and morning Pub Crawl, it was more a case of euthanasia on Max’s part, to single him out and send him to the loser’s drinking blanket early.  An almost  sad yet apropos development indeed. Soon and quite remarkably,  “Dandy” makes it past Max’s horrifying minefield of imminent death back to the safety of the home wicket, claiming victory as the winner of the match.   Everyone else falls prey in a merciless succession of Max’s spherical ricochets of expulsion  save for our hero, Adam with the aid of Super Coach and newly appointed Good Witch Of The West, aka Punkin’ Butter, who managed to steer him to whack his ball through a series of imaginary flaming hoops of actual  fiery flaming fire that threatened him at every turn while being chased by Mad Max.  Adam finished the contest in a not so unusual for him,  “sloppy seconds”-style second place.  It was incredible!  The  guy’s as hapless as a blind salamander who’s volunteered to take a ride on a rotating Barbeque  Spit.  He can read and write but in his own words knows “nothing about math or physics”.  You know, like holding a wooden mallet and projecting a theoretical straight line so as to send a croquet ball in a rolling trajectory that doesn’t resemble a dog’s fucking hind leg.  So, once again, a synopsis of the finish line…First Place (with honors) Danny. Hell yeah! Now where’s my drum-head?   In a “Special Mention” Special Olympics kind of way Second Place, the guy that I lost money on by betting against him not lasting more than thirty seconds without crying about the injustice of the game, Adam. You Kill Bro!   Lastly, “Worldwide” with a pretty tight performance as POISON in Third Place. You ain’t so bad neither! Good Job to all who dared!  It was an amazing and inspired tournament throughout the afternoon.  We rounded out the day by eating cookies and sipping what dribbled from the empty wine bottles and talking hilarious shit about lost “loves” and maligned interpersonal relationships manifested in endless wild gesticulation, followed up by falling over dead in the grass as evidenced by the portrait of Chris, (scroll back up) sleeping with drink and smoldering cigarette in hand, dreaming away in everyone’s  familiar,  favourite, frustrating and pointless  “Where did I go wrong?” mode.  Sorry about the lack of pictures of the actual Croquet Game but believe me, we’re all very happy to still be alive. See y’all next year!

The last photo is of six foot six newcomer and non-litterbug “Tall” Nick sporting his totally radical nimbus.

MERRY NIMBUS DAWG!!!!!!





Record Breaking Records

10 12 2009

It’s almost Christmas and if you need an unexpected gift for an unsuspecting family member or friend, think about buying them a hunk of vinyl that they probably got rid of years ago.  It’s like a spinning time machine. I’ve got every manner of music for sale here at the shop at unbelievable prices. Just check across the street at the Antique Mall and you’ll be amazed at my prices…I even have Beatles RED & BLUE Vinyl, cheap…while they last!
Or if you need some cash for something useful like say, food, clothing or rent, come on down and sell me your old unloved records. They need to be in pretty good shape and of supreme intrinsic value to random passersby.
Otherwise you can just have yourself a “Beatles are more popular than Jesus” record stomp and a Salem Witch Trials-style burning at the stake in the alley behind your hovel involving your scratched up and worthless Rush, Sting and Fleetwood Mac junk.  I pay good hard earned cash for your records if you want to sell them.  Bring me your JAZZ, HIP HOP, PUNK and CLASSIC ROCK! Call me before you rent that dump truck and I’ll make room. Happy Holidays to one and all!

Your Typical Mom's House





You Want It? You Got It!

1 12 2009

Now,  just posted today on Ebay!  My beloved 1966 Gibson Es 330.  I think I’m gonna cry.  Happy F#@%ing Christmas everyone!

This just in… The Holidays are coming a little quicker than expected for an old friend who just popped for this guitar.  Thanks to K.M. I know it’s going to the very best of homes!

The Real Nativity Scene?